The Test

Somewhere the recesses of my mind are telling me that tomorrow is a very important day. On a conscious level one can reason that no, one test does not determine a future, and repeat the oft-quoted and much maligned "it's only a test" over and over and somehow that dark little corner of the mind refuses to relax. On one hand I can view the nerves as a simple physiological reaction; tests have always made me nervous, regardless of how proficient I am with the material or how prepared I feel I am. Or I can view them as an answer to the question I've been asking myself once a week for the last four years: how much do I really want to do this? I guess I must really want to, being all concerned-like as I am about my performance tomorrow. Or I can resist my temptation to dissolve the entire world into a system of dichotomies and conclude that, hey, maybe it's both! It's not rocket science, you know. Or biochemistry, for that matter.

The only thing worse than showing up to an exam early by yourself is showing up the day before, by yourself. The vacuum of time leaves way too much space to be filled by thinking. I tried going for a walk today only to discover that this hotel is in the middle of Edmonton industrial hell. I don't know who thought this would be a good location for a hotel/convention centre but he seriously must have been lacking some basic neural connections. Across the street is the Edmonton city school bus depot. And by "depot" I mean the place where they stash all the bright yellow carcasses not deemed worthy of repair. It looks like a graveyard; it feels even worse.

It's times like these I'm thankful for my chemistry education. I feel like my academic studies have prepared me about as excellently as possible for tackling professional school. This, aside from the fact that my background has allowed me to study for this exam something like 2 hours a day (or less) for five weeks when some people spend months in preparation. When I think about writing a 4.5 hour exam, I remember my 4 hour chem 213 "tutorials" that basically involved solving spectroscopy problems for four consecutive hours without as much as a bathroom break. Oh, and my section was 6:30-10:30 tuesday nights. If I can get through that, I can get through tomorrow.

I think of all the decisions I've made in the last seven years, my decision to get into UVic chemistry falls short only of my decision to go on exchange in japan in terms of importance. The chemistry department gave me a home at university. Even if the world should shatter tomorrow (ie. I brain-shit all over my exam) and I never make it into medicine, chemistry would not be a bad way to go. The only downside is the lack of dependable employment post-graduation. If anyone wants to know of a good undergrad chem school, Victoria is the place to go.

A table full of hormones awaits memorization upstairs. Hopefully I sleep some tonight. Oh well, my brain only has to work for four and a half hours tomorrow. The rest of the day I can hibernate with my eyes open, just like I do in church most sundays.